What is a man to do if his wife is very willing to try a relationship (not just going along with it out of fear of losing the man!), but perhaps because of her past relationship history she feels very scared, vulnerable and stressed about giving up control, and perhaps is devastated when her husband threatens to spank her? The woman's fears need to be calmed, her stress soothed, and her insecurity eliminated. She needs to know that her man loves her and accepts her as she is. She needs to know that her man cares about her wishes and that he will put her first in their relationship. She also needs to be reassured that being taken in hand will not mean being silenced or being turned into a servant. She needs to know that the power will not corrupt her man.
1. Intro
2. Scary self-serving narcissist
If you are a man in this situation, first, always to keep in mind that you could be mistaken, and ensure that she knows that you know this. This will calm any fear she might have that you might become overbearing and intolerant of dissent. N.B., contrary to what you might think, keeping in mind that you are a human being and thus fallible will not diminish your strength, control or leadership qualities in your wife's eyes. On the contrary, it will do the opposite. Secondly, show through your actions that you put her first and care about her happiness. It is no good just telling her that you care about her happiness: actions speak louder than words. Show her that you put her first. Think about what would help your particular wife feel sure that you are not turning into a scary self-serving narcissist, and take action accordingly, on an on-going basis.
3. General issues and concerns
Thirdly, make sure that she feels heard when she expresses her fears or any other doubt or problem: listen to her actively and don't respond defensively. Responding defensively makes the other person feel invalidated, invisible, infuriated and in this kind of relationship it is likely to make the woman fear you will dismiss any concerns she may express and ride roughshod over her wishes. Fourthly, seek her opinions and check her wishes on an on-going basis. It is highly likely that she will be fearing being denied a voice in your relationship. Think about what you can do and say that would assuage your wife's fears in that respect, and keep this in mind on an on-going basis. Fifth, go as slowly as is necessary. That may be slower than you think. Ask her if you aren't sure. Some people like to schedule a regular conversation in which general issues and concerns can be raised. Others don't want to have such conversations, but either way, you need to find a way to be reasonably sure that you are not taking things to fast for her.
4. Concentrate on enjoyable interactions
Sixth, at least until everything is going smoothly, concentrate on enjoyable interactions. If your wife reacts badly to punishment spanking or the serious threat of spanking, don't even think about spanking her when you are angry. Until you have a control dynamic that positively excites and delights her, it will be abusive and destuctive to spank her as punishment. Don't do it! It will put her off being controlled; it won't help in any way. Seventh, in all your interactions with her see her as well-intentioned and eager to please you, and ensure that she knows you do not doubt her good intentions or her desire to please you. Avoid like the plague any words or actions that suggest that she is not well-intentioned. That can wound very deeply.
5. Strive to remain calm
Eighth, strive to remain calm and in control of yourself so that your wife doesn't fear that you will become violently abusive. On the other hand, don't let that calm control become callousness or anything that might seem like callousness to your wife. Appearing icily calm or blasé when your wife is extremely emotional may feel like callousness to her unless you are careful to help her feel heard and understood. Ninth, apologise clearly, directly, and non-defensively when you make a mistake. Tenth, when you want her to change some aspect of her behaviour, tell her clearly and specifically what to do (or not do). It is no good expecting her to obey an order expressed in an unclear, non-specific way. Finally, try to keep your sense of humour. Laughing together really can help. In particular, make jokes at your own expense to help ensure that she does not fear that you will become a pompous arrogant ass too full of himself to be an enjoyable husband any more. What else? More advice, anyone? There is so much more to say!
6. Comments
Hi there, We are also new to Loveawake but it was initated by myself (I am female by the way) so we do not have the issues that you described on the taken in hand yahoo forum. I suppose the only thing extra I can add to Sarah's comprehensive post is to be consistant. This avoids any confusion and can make one feel more secure. Oh and try to take things slowly testing the water at each step so that when mistakes are made they are less likely to be very damaging. You could show her this site and encourage her to explore some of the posts that interest her. She may even have some questions that she would like to put to the group.